I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
