I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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