things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
