seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
