She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
