Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
