Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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