Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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