Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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