Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
