this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
