i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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