brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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