I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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