I wanna bring you to show and tell
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Drunk is a universal language darling
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
