Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
