what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
