dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
