I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
There r osticjed everywhere
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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