she takes plan B like it's going out of style
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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