Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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