I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Randomize
