just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
