I'm so fucking centered right now
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
