my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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