I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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