Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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