This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
