I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
