the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
