Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
