the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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