Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
