She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
