I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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