Betty ford says i'm here all night
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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