Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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