Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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