normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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