I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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