Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
