Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
