She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
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