I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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