You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
