so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
