if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
