my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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