Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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