it hurts more in the daytime
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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